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April 6th, 2005

12:39 pm - still dont know.... I still haven't heard if i got the job or not. I'm getting really anxious. I've been so stressed that it's starting to make me sick. I think I just worked myself up a little too much, and I took a little time to relax and I feel better. I had a migraine for 2 straight days and I spent all day yesterday in bed, just sleeping. So my headaches finally gone, and I feel a lot calmer. I talked to my roommate today and she sounds a lot better too! She's eating semi-solid foods and has gained 2 pounds, which is a really good sign. So all in all, things aren't too bad, I just need a lil more luck and hopefully I'll get this job and be sayin goodbye to San Diego! Current Mood: hopeful

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April 2nd, 2005

12:24 pm My roommates really sick. She called me this morning. She's not going to be out of the hospital anytime soon. If I don't get this job, I'm going to have to find a new roommate. It really sucks. She's a good friend of mine and I'm really worried about her. A friend of mine called me last night needing help, and I was a bad friend and wasn't there for him. I kinda feel like I'm so self-absorbed right now that I'm not really doin anything for anyone. Thats kinda a shitty feeling. I guess that's what stress does to ya. Current Mood: worried

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April 1st, 2005

12:05 pm - *fingers crossed* I went on a job interview yesterday for a position at HQ. I think it would be a kick ass job for me, doing allocation, and theres a decent raise involved, and I'd get relocated. It's kinda overwhelming to think about it, but if I got it, I could be gone by the end of the month. But goddamn, I want it so bad. I think it went well, I had 3 interviews and a math test, and I think 2 of the interviews went really well. I can't stop thinkin about it, I'm supposed to find out next week if I got it or not, and I wanna know NOW. At least I work all weekend, so I'll be plenty busy. My roommates been in the hospital for over a month now. I know that if I get this job she wants to move with me, and that would make things sooo much easier for me, but if she doesn't hurry up and get better, I just don't see how that could happen. There's so many thoughts runnin through my head of all the shit's that being goin on lately, it's been one hell of a couple weeks. Everything's been kinda spinnin outta control, but it's kinda fun, so I'm not even sure if I want it to stop! Well, I think I'm gonna go lay down for a couple hours, I don't hafta be at work until 4 tonight. Current Mood: anxious

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March 20th, 2005

09:54 pm - best st pattys day ever I went downtown and saw flogging molly and got really drunk and met a nice boy and that's enough for me right now. I made it to that convention, but was too broke to get anything, but I took some pics for international tattoo so I'll keep my eyes peeled around June to see if they used em. On that note, I'm off to bed. Current Mood: happy

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February 23rd, 2005

11:38 am - more new ink I had 2 days off and it was nice. I didn't really get any of the shit done that I wanted to, but oh well, that's life. But I did get 2 new tattoos. I added the "hopeless romantic" to the top of my chest piece that I've been wanting to add for years and I got a small cracked heart on my wedding ring finger. And it's cute as fuck. So yeah.... There's a convention this weekend and I really really wanna go, but I have to work and I have no money. I'm gonna try to swing the day off even though I shoulda requested it months ago when I heard about it, but I still won't have any money. I was talkin to someone today, who knew me years ago, and it's funny how much of a bad ass I used to think I was. Haha. Who the fuck was I tryin to kid? Oh well.. time to get ready for work. Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Bouncing Souls

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February 15th, 2005

02:30 pm - yet again..... I caught the goddamn flu again. I don't wanna be fucking sick. It sucks. I hate it. My nose is a faucet of boogers. On a better note.... I got a new car!! Yay! When I drive it, it feels like I'm driving this zippy little toy car, its so fun. I've been so out of it with the flu that I can't get used to the idea yet. But I got a cute lil 2002 ford focus hatchback. It's a 4-door and it actually has room in it for all my shit or for passengers and it's small enough that I can actually try to rent a parking spot at my apartments now so maybe I won't always have to park on the street 3 blocks away at midnight when I get home. Ok, I'm still a little drowsey, no more pm flu medicine for me. It makes me feel too out of it the next day. I swear, this flu makes me feel like I'm drunk. Current Mood: sick

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February 10th, 2005

04:12 pm - another shitty week I have decided I am officially on the low point on this downswing my life has been taking lately. I've been dealing with some crap this week and I definitely hit the low point yesterday. I'm feelin a little better today, but I still got that aching in my tummy. Some shit happened on Sunday that, on top of all the other shit, has really got me feeling fucked up. I fucked up bad. I actually did something that has me reeling in feelings of guilt and shock and just astonishment. Maybe the astonishment comes from never thinking I could feel so guilty or appalled by anything I did. I try (and by saying try, means I'm not always successful) but I do try to live without regret. I keep telling myself it's a stupid emotion, it has no purpose or value because ya can't change shit, so move the fuck on. It's just not a natural feeling to me. I can be sad and depressed and bitter and sometimes even wish things had been different, but I fucking hate regret. But goddamn it if I aint wallowing in a big fucking pool of it right now. I think I've come to terms what happened, and I already know that I will never talk to this person again, and I've accepted that. I think my normal reaction would be to call this person or figure out a way to work through it or feel sorrow for the friendship I completely fucking ruined. But I've already walked away in my head. I know I will never talk to this person again, and as sad as I should be, I'm really not. Maybe it was just that time for us both to just move on and walk away. I'm just so damn disapointed in myself. I will forever blame the bottle of rum in my belly, but when it comes right down to it, I did something fucked up that I will never forgive myself for. And with that said and done I will continue walking away from the situation and that person. I just hope that in my fucked up actions I didn't ruin someone else's lifes and dreams, especially someone who treated me with nothing but kindness and respect. I may never know, and that's ok, that's just part of walking away. Current Mood: embarrassed

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January 31st, 2005

07:44 pm - fuck everything So, the bitch abby has been talking to me. I don't know how much of what she says is true. But according to her, she's been living with and fucking my ex fiance for the past year. Not really a big deal if you think, well hey, he's your ex that's what he does. But the big deal is, is that he's spent the past year telling me how much he loves me, how much he still wants to marry me, how he would do anything to be with me, how he can't stand being here because it hurts too much to leave. He told me he hadn't been with anyone since we broke up, and I asked him specifically about Abby. He was here a week ago for 3 days and I thought we had a good time. I have been completely honest about my actions since we broke up, and he got very fuckin jealous and very fucking angry and made me feel like this slutty bitch whore. He tells me one thing and this bitch tells me another. She tells me that he refuses to talk to me. Hmm, aint that convenient for her. This bitch had been trying to break us up from day one. All I fucking want out of this situation is some fucking answers. I wanna know if the past 2 years was just this big fucking joke on me. I want to know which one of these fuckers is lieing to me. As far as I'm concerned they are both pieces of shit and I refuse to be a part of any fucking games. All I want is the fucking truth, and I have a feeling I'm not going to get it. I have these memories of this amazing relationship and now I question it. These fucks can't even let me move on and have my happy memories and go through the natural process of breaking up with someone. They have to keep fucking torturing me. Why can't they just let me fucking go on with my life in peace. Why do they have to keep putting me through all this fucking shit. This is the longest break-up of my life. How the fuck am I supposed to move on and heal when I have all this confusion fucking up my head and my heart right now. I wanna just curl up in a drunken haze and forget these people were ever in my life. Current Mood: pissed off

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January 26th, 2005

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December 31st, 2004

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December 23rd, 2004

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December 8th, 2004

07:36 am - rainy morning So this morning I thought I had to be at work at 8 am, which sucked ass cuz I worked out in el cajon yesterday untill 11 so I didnt even get home until almost midnight. I hadnt eaten anything all day cuz I'm sick as fuck and my bank account was fucked up and said I had no money (but that's already fixed thank god). I don't know what the fuck woke me up this morning, but when I looked at my clock, it was off. I was like fuuuuck and jumped up and started runnin around the apt like a chicken with it's head cut off not knowing what time it is, and finally I checked my cell phone and it said 7am. So I sat down to have a cigarette and I checked the paper I have my schedule on and I don't hafta be at work till 3:30. So I'm thinkin to myself "score! I can go back to sleep" and I get up to go to the kitchen to get my oj outta the fridge, and I'm all worried about the $100 of food I just bought goin bad if the electricity doesn't go on soon, and I realize, hey, my bathroom lights on. But the lights in my room and my roommates room (shes not here) wont turn on. In the living room the light on one wall works, but the tv on the other wall doesnt. And everything in the kitchen works. So I think there must be a blown fuse, but I think those are in my roomies closet, and I won't go in there, hehe, the last time I did I kinda broke her closet doors. So now I'm just waiting till 8 so I can call work and make sure I didn't write my schedule wrong and then I guess I'll go back to bed and figure the fuse thing out later. On another note... Thanksgiving at my parents went alright. I wore a scarf and it hid my neck fairly well. My mom caught glimpses of the neck and I think my chest piece too, but she didn't freak out. I even drove up there again last week to do laundry and help my mom set up the christmas tree. It's kinda cool that they only live like 40 minutes away now. I know the last time I was up there my mom totally saw my wrist and the tip of my chest again, but she didn't say shit. I'm just not freakin out over hiding em as much as I used to. I mean, I still hide em, but fuck dude, it's getting a little difficult. I guess theyre slowly gettin used to the idea that I have tattoos. My dad still tries to lecture me a lil, especially with the whole neck thing. And I know he's right. Maybe that's why I get so irritated when he starts in. Ok, well I got the fuckin flu again and it sucks major ass. I feel like I'm gonna blow my fuckin brains out through my nose and everything just fuckin hurts. It's almost 8 so I'll call work soon then my ass is goin back to bed. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: just listenin to the rain

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November 20th, 2004

09:41 am - Birthday Week Kicked Ass Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me!! Yay I finally had a good birthday! But what a fucking looooong week. I worked like 9 days straight and this week I was supposed to cut a buncha hours from my shifts cuz I was goig to headquarters for work for an all day meeting. On Wed I was talkin to my DM about having to get up at 4 am to go to this meeting and he told me he's try to get me a hotel room (everyone else goin to the meeting was from across the country and flying in and had hotel rooms). So I worked this 8 hour shit from 7-3 (i was only supposed to work 5 hours) and right before I left I get a call that I should already have a hotel room. I call the lady in travel and she said I shoulda got my itinerary a month ago and heres the address to the hotel and everyone will be there around 6. So I haul ass home and throw some shit in a bag and hit the freeway, got there around 8. My roommate was from Salt Lake and she was fuckin rad. Me and her and another guy (from Oregon) all hit the hotel bar. Oh wait, did I say hotel? Cuz it was a fuckin resort with golf courses and tennis courts and pools and spas and all kindsa crazy shit. The meetings were all day Thursday and we got a fat dinner afterwards and stuffed our faces. Then 8 of us drove out to Hollywood and went to the Viper Room (which sucked major ass.. but hey... its booze) cuz one of em knew someone there so we got in for free. Then we went back to the resort and everyone else had to be up at 5 to catch planes, but since I drove I slept in till like 11 and checked out at noon. I was supposed to go get tattooed and meet up with a friend while I was out there, but they both flaked on me, and oh fuckin well. I drove my ass home and a friend of mine came over for a little while and then I fuckin crashed I was so tired. I was supposed to go out last night for my birthday but I couldn't get outta bed to save my soul. A friend of mine got me a ticket to the British Invasion show that's today and I really wanna go, but my tummy hurts real bad and I can't seem to get motivated to get dressed, so I'm just waiting for him to call me. He's a bit of a flake, so I figure if he calls I'll throw on some clothes and go, otherwise, my ass is gettin back in bed for the rest of the day and I know my roomie will be up to hittin the bar later. Current Mood: happy

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November 16th, 2004

10:00 am - I finally did it..... I was talking to my mom on the phone, and of course she brought up Thanksgiving again. I finally sucked up the courage and told her about my neck, and the new lip ring, and she didn't freak out. Of course, she hasn't seen it all yet, so it could still end up being world war 3, and then there's the issue of my dad. My mom told me to wear a turtleneck (haha) and I told her I'd wear a scarf but that still doesn't cover em, and she sounded a little freaked out about the size of em, and she started to go into her "you'll regret this later in life, there's something to be said for not goin overboard" speech, but it wasn't too bad. I got my driver's license renewed, and thank god I knew the girl who worked the front desk and she totally snuck me in to the front of the line so I didn't have to wait at all. Now I can take a lil nap before work. Mmmm... sleeeeep. Current Mood: pleased

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October 20th, 2004

11:23 am - i got the flu That's right, my body finally quit tryin to fight it and I'm officially sick. It sucks ass cuz right now is not the time for me to be sick. The past couple weeks have been insane, I think at one point in all the craziness I did go just a little nutty. This was the most difficult, draining (physically and emotional) move I've ever had to go through, and every day I get a little further away from it and put it a little more in the past. The guy who did my tattoo ended up coming down for like 5 days and helping me move, and when I took him back to orange county, my dumbass self went to see danny, to see if he had the keys to the apartment. A lot of hurtful things were said, on both ends, and it hasn't stopped. Its like I'm a glutton for punishment. He says hes moving to oregon next week and I'm never going to see him again. He called me a hearless bitch. And he's probably right. On a happier note, I went to OC this past weekend (and did not see Danny) and saw a really old friend that I havent seen in about a year. He was having casino night and I drank way too much but ended up winning 2 bucks so I was stoked, considering I started with no money. I guess drunk people do kick ass at blackjack. Haha. Yeah, so it was a good weekend off. We were supposed to go to a tattoo convention in anaheim on sat (day after casino night) but we ended up getting lost and I was too hung-over to give a shit so we just came home. And then I got home and I got my deposit back from the apartment, all $800 of it, with a letter thanking me for keeping the apartment in such good condition. I guess it was worth the $50 I paid the cleaning lady to scrub the shit outta the place!! Haha. Well, its raining and I love it, and I feel like I have a huge cottonball stuck in my throat and my body hurts and I've got a really kick ass cold sweat goin on (i feel like death) and now I gotta get ready for work. Cheers. Current Mood: sick

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September 27th, 2004

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September 19th, 2004

11:35 am - new tattoo I got the other side of my neck done. It hurts. My parents are probably never gonna talk to me again. I'll never have a "real" job. Life is good. Current Mood: sore

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September 16th, 2004

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09:38 pm - what the fuck SO we totally thought we had this fuckin house and now they're dickin us around. At first they were like "yeah, we're not even gonna run anyone else's credit because we want you to have the house, and even if yer credit's shitty we'll work with you to get you into the house", then we don't hear from them for a couple days and I finally get a hold of her and she's like "yeah I was sick" (which is fine shit happens) then she tells me "yeah, we've shown the house to a few other people and we're running their credit and we have your credit check and we just haven't made a final decision". What the fuck?!?! When we looked at the place they seemed so fuckin nice and cool with us, they didnt seem to give a shit what we looked like or our age or anything, and the owner said straight up he wanted to rent to us. Now I have 14 days to fuckin find a goddamn place to live and I'm stressin out a little. My friend has shitty credit and I don't even know what my credit looks like anymore, it used to be really good, but that was the before the whole Danny experience. And I don't exactly have time to find another roommate and I can't just dick out on my friend when we've been planning on moving in together for the past month. And I have no time off from work until the 29th, where I've already taken 6 days off to move, but there's no point taking the time off if I have no where to move to. I might have to throw everything into storage and couch surf for a while or something, which isn't exactly easy when I have so much shit and a cat. I CANT afford to stay here. My lease was up like 2 months ago and my landlords totally cool and said I can stay here if I need to, but she was talking in days, like she's pro-rate it for me if I need a couple days to move. AAAHHHH. This is so annoying. I have 2 days off from work and I HAVE to find a place to live. Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: new flogging molly! yay!!

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September 12th, 2004

01:27 am - girls night out I'm so drunk I can barely focus. It was girls night out and I drank way too muych too fast and ti was good times and I just wanted one last cigarette fbefore bed so here I ma smoking my cigarette and I cant wait to to go to bed. Current Mood: drunk

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